How to argue with a conservative and win

Being in the Navy, I'm completely surrounded by folks who grip tightly to their right-wing beliefs. And that's fine. I actually subscribe to a few "Republican" policies myself, so I think everyone should be free to believe what they want to believe.

But for the love of an upside-down crucified Peter, these fuckers love to argue. They listen to Rush and Bill and gather all of their lil' talking points and just wait for someone to disagree with them. They are like tigers stalking the plains of the Serengeti: ruthless, calculating, and very fuzzy.

Be not afraid, my dear friends. These people can be defeated. Just follow my patented formula for success and watch them squirm with discomfort.

Rule #1.
Almost all conservatives you will encounter in the real world are Christian. Use this knowledge to your advantage.

I'm not saying that Christians are wrong about what they believe, just that you should point out to them the things that are wrong with what they believe.

Example: Joe the plumber thinks a vote for Obama may be a vote in favor of the death of Israel. But Joe the plumber is a Christian! Do you know what Christians believe will happen to Jews when Christ returns to Earth? You should find out and then ask your fellow conservative why he hates Jews so much. Remind him that Jesus was a Jew. Then ask him why he hates Christ. That will keep him away. Great job!

Rule #2.
Conservatives will almost always be less educated than you. But occasionally, you will come across an extremely well-educated conservative (that's what she said). When this happens, proceed with caution. This person will have already thought of your counter-arguments to their talking points and will attempt to bait you into a protracted discussion about the differences between abortion and the death penalty.

Do not give them what they want! They will refuse to lose to you, you elitist prick!

Let them talk until they're blue in the face. Do not feed the baby bird. Wait for them to turn the debate back to you (they eventually will), then lay this unfettered gem upon their angry lil' head:
"I didn't realize you subscribed to the teachings of Leo Strauss and post-World War II neoconservativism. I've think his 'perpetual deception' argument is outdated and actually being misinterpreted by the current administration, at least in regard to preventing exposure to the absence of absolute truth. National destiny or not, the Republicans have certainly taken a page from the Machiavellian textbook on foreign policy; namely, the creation of an artificial external threat.

"What do you think?"

If they actually attempt to answer this question, just smile and pat them on the back. Tell them Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz would be proud and give them a big ol' condescending wink, Sarah Palin style.

BTW, the only thing you need to know about Leo Strauss is that he was a raging asshole.

Rule #3.
Just let them win. After all, they should be allowed to win something this year. Snap!

Leo Strauss as a young man. He believed that government should use religion for the stability of society, even though the "wise man" had transcended such "noble lies." What an asshole!