Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What is freedom? (A short piece in which our ambitious author attempts to answer a question that exists far outside of his intellectual capacity)

"The evolution of the western mind is one of creeping abstraction - a turning away from the natural world."

It's tough to argue with that. I was perplexed earlier today as I watched a friend sitting at his computer, sweeping a piece of plastic across the table and ever-so-subtly removing himself from the group meta-psyche.

Sad.

In that moment, he was no more alive than the machine to which he was attached. His eyes were foggy and his skin was mayonnaise. He hadn't ceased to exist, mind you. He had merely ceased to matter.

What's the difference, anyhow? Consider this a challenge.

Freedom is not intangible. It is not without meaning and purpose. It is a very real, very important and very sacred gift from our creator. I know I'm free because I'm free to know I'm free. I know I matter because I flex my head muscle and Jiminy Cricket sings a song in my lil' head about how I'm not some stupid puppet.

I know what I should be doing. Why am I not doing it? I know what I am supposed to do. Why do I refuse to do it?

The mind of a man living in our times is filled with nonsense. Lame-ass Geico commercials, stupid music that really sucks, stupid shit that Dr. Phil spews in an attempt to make even more money than he already has.

Do these examples of excess represent freedom? Is this what John Locke had in mind (pardon the pun) when he developed his tabula rasa philosophy?

We are becoming insignificant and I just hate it with all of my heart. It just feels wrong.

I know what I should be doing. Why am I not doing it?

This GWOT feels wrong to me. Doesn't it feel wrong to you? Do you really stop terror with brute force?

How do you convince people they have every right to be as free as you are?

Maybe they can see more clearly than us that we're not really free. Maybe they can see the machine and hear the shitty music and feel the sticky mayonnaise skin and they just don't want it because it's not real.

We have to abandon our outdated, uninspired and simplistic notions of freedom. We have to overcome our abuse of the freedom from want. We have to show the uneducated, the impoverished, the ignorant and the evil that we are fit to be the leaders of men.

We all know what we should be doing. Fuck it, let's go change the world.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Please allow me to spread the truth


The other day someone says to me, "No way I vote for Obama because he is definitely going to raise taxes." Huh. Interesting.
I respond: "Well, he does want to raise taxes on people who make more than $250,000 a year, but us little guys will be fine."

They get furious. "BULLSHIT!!! He is going to tax the shit out of everyone because that's what he is - a tax and spend liberal!"

And that's when I just walk away. Because how can you argue against someone like that? Here's the thing: the American government has grown more under President Bush than any other president in history. It has gotten bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. A Republican did that!

Here's another thing ... Douglas Holtz-Eakin, John McCain's chief economic advisor, admits that McCain WILL HAVE to raise taxes if elected. Holy shit!! Why isn't McCain telling the truth about this, you ask?

"It's the brand ... and you don't dilute the brand," Holtz-Eakin said, referring to the antiquated belief that conservatives are for less taxes and more Jesus Christ all up in my grill.

Does any of this matter, however? I think is does. When Joe Biden said, albeit stupidly, that paying taxes is patriotic, I truly believe he was onto something. Now, our forefathers would undoubtedly be turning in their graves if they knew the burden most Americans carry when it comes to funding our government. But like it or not, there are certain fundamental services which the government provides that are simply not going to go away.

One that immediately springs to mind is a badass military. We have to have one of those, right? How else can we be expected to continue killing brown people? Seriously, those fuckers had it coming.

Infrastructure is another "necessary evil" the American people must deal with.

There are other pesky lil' things, too. Adoption Assistance, Adoption Tax Credit, Child Care, Child Care Tax Credit, Child Support Enforcement, Children's Health Insurance, College Student Loans and Grants, Crop and Livestock Insurance, Disability Resources, Disaster Assistance for Victims, Dislocated and Laid-Off Worker Assistance, Earned Income Tax Credit, Employment and Training Assistance, Farm Ownership and Operating Loans, Federal Retiree Benefits, Food Assistance – Child Nutrition; Food Distribution; Women, Infants, and Children, Food Stamp Program, Government Benefits (nice and vague!), Government Jobs (as is this), Government Online Services, Government Sales and Auctions, GovLoans.gov, Grants.gov – Find and Apply for Government Grants, Head Start Program, Home Mortgage and Housing Assistance, Home Rental Assistance, Human Trafficking – Assistance Available to Victims of Human Trafficking, Legal Assistance, Loans for Agriculture, Business, Disaster Relief, Education, Housing, and Veterans through GovLoans.gov, Low Income Home Energy (Heating and Cooling) Assistance, Medicaid, Medicare, Medicare Prescription Drug Plan, Mortgage Assistance Programs, Native American Benefits, Pension Insurance and Benefit Guaranties, Railroad Retirement, Disability, and Unemployment Benefits, Refugee Resettlement Programs, Renter's Assistance, Runaway Youth National Switchboard to Call for Help, Rural Assistance Center for Health and Human Services, School Lunch and Breakfast, Senior Citizen Community Service Employment Program, Small Business Financial Assistance, Social Security (kind of a big one), Student Financial Aid and Scholarships, Student Grants for Study Overseas, Student Loan Consolidation, Supplemental Security Income, Tax Counseling for the Elderly, Telephone Assistance Programs for Low-Income Households, Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (Welfare), Unemployment Insurance (fucking Socialists!), Vaccines for Children, Veterans' Benefits (fucking Socialists!), Weatherization Assistance, and Youth Education and Training Assistance.

Those were just the programs it took me 10 seconds to find on the interwebs.

The point is, we can't just keep asking China to pay for all of this nonsense. So, when Joe Biden said what he said, can you kind of see where he was coming from? No, you can't because you are completely close minded and that's why I want to quit.

Listen, knucklehead. I understand that NO ONE wants to have their taxes raised. It totally sucks. But we also cannot continue to carry the enormous deficit ($9,664,631,803,259.07 - I just pulled that number off the Treasury Dept. website) we have accumulated under our current president. Believe it or not, there will be dire consequences if we don't get rid off it.

Sometimes this country reminds me of the Trump Tower. When you walk into the lobby, you can tell right away that a whole lot of money was poured into it's construction, but it was spent on all the wrong things. Who needs gold leaf toilet seats?

That's called a non-sequitur. Clever, huh?

Let me bottom line this for you - there is no such thing as a tax and spend liberal. OK? There are only tax and spend politicians! It's their job. Here's another thing I heard that really bothered the shit out of me.

"I will definitely not vote for Obama because he's going to shrink the military."

Yeah, I'm in the military and guess what? Where I work, we have about 500 too many people. Go for it, you crazy Muslim bitch! Go for it!!!

Speaking of Barack HUSSEIN Obama's very clear Muslim beliefs, please click this link to see some truly ignorant stuff. Trust me, it is really great!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Why elitism is good

That's it, people. I've had just about enough.

"I'm not voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden because they're elitists," says Joe Sixpack. "Give me the Navy veteran and the down home girl any day of the week."

Let me tell you about the Navy. I'm in the Navy. Do you want to know who the smartest person I've ever met in the Navy was? It's me, that's who. I'm the smartest person I've ever met in the Navy. Scared?

You should be. John McCain graduated sixth from the bottom of his class at the Naval Academy. Guess what? The Naval Academy ain't Yale, that's for fuckin' sure.

However, the Naval Academy also isn't the University of Idaho. That's the prestigious institution that Sarah Palin received her undergraduate degree in journalism from. A Bachelor's in journalism ... yeah, she really doesn't seem to know very much about journalism, does she?

I desperately wish I could tell you that this all surprises me, but it doesn't. Re-thug-licans revel in their "altruistic" agenda and over-the-top jingoism, masquerading as "small-town values," but the truth is, the only thing conservatives care about is maintaining the status quo. They want everything to stay the same.

I've always held firm to the belief that stagnation is death and change is the law of life. If it's true that humans are evolving (and we are; just look at how the average height of a person has increased over time), then we must allow our society to evolve as well.

Re-thug-licans don't like change because it offends their "small-town values" (read: Christian values). But it is my contention that God wants everything to change, because the universe is in a constant state of entropy and God created the universe. Therefore, Re-thug-licans hate God.

I'll say it again. Republicans, conservatives, whatever you want to call them, are against God. They hate God because they hate the things that are His will. Now how in the world could this possibly have happened?

It is my contention that God wants man to become as smart as he possibly can. I believe this is true because God gave me the capacity to think for myself. He gave me the ability to be a leader of men without having to resort to violence. All I need to be great is my razor-sharp wit and dizzying intellect. Snap!

So, if God wants us to be super-smart, then wouldn't it stand to follow that we should elect the smartest people available for the most important shit? The answer is: yes, Alex, it would.

John McCain is not stupid, but he isn't brilliant, either. Sarah Palin makes my balls hurt. I think that's God's way of telling me that although I might find her physically attractive I should under no circumstances fuck her.

Let me repeat that. God makes my balls hurt when I see Sarah Palin because He does not want me to fuck her.

You got it, God! Besides, I already have a beautiful wife who doesn't make my balls hurt. So there.

Let's wrap this up. When you say that you're against elitism, what you're really saying is that you're against God. Stop hating God. He made you. You should love Him and be grateful and do what He wants.

And He REALLY wants you to stop being a huge moron. Elitism.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Long live Budd Dwyer

Do you know who this guy is?


Meet Budd Dwyer, an American politician who committed suicide on live television back in 1987.


Get this: Dwyer was charged with accepting a bribe of $300,000 from a company that was bidding to calculate how to properly return money to state employees who overpaid Federal Insurance Contributions Act taxes.


He was offered a plea bargain but refused to accept. He was eventually found guilty and faced a prison sentence of 55 years and a $300,000 fine.


The day before he was to receive his sentence from the court, he called an impromptu press conference. Most folks thought he would be announcing his resignation.


Instead, he said a few words about how he was a "victim of political persecution." He handed out three envelopes to his three closest staffers. He then produced a large manila envelope and withdrew a .357 Magnum.


"Budd, don't do this! Budd, this is not right!"


"Please leave the room if this will offend you," Dwyer said.


A few people attempted to approach Dwyer.


"Don't; don't; don't," Dwyer said. "This could hurt someone."


And then he put the revolver into his mouth and pulled the trigger. Holy shit! In all, five TV cameras and countless still photographers captured the gruesome event.


Why does any of this matter, you ask?


Because ... well, just look at this!


Ewwwwwww.

Suicide is not the answer, kids.

UPDATE!!!

Click here to see the actual video clip of Budd killing himself. Needless to say, it is completely disturbing and pretty awesome.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

This doesn't sound like change

Click here.

Comments like this are the final, desperate act of a woman whose fifteen minutes were up about twenty minutes ago.

How could anyone want to vote for this? Divisive, insulting, condescending and completely untrue ... Sarah Palin may be a woman, but more than that, she is a raging asshole.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Jesus Christ hates Proposition 8

Let me ask you a very serious question.

If you are a heterosexual and you are married and have a job and a couple of kids and a house with a white picket fence and so on and so on, etc. etc., then why in the world would you possibly care whether or not two old queens get married?

Really ... why the fuck do you care?

This kind of intolerance just makes me sick. How can gay marriage possibly affect you in any way, shape or form?

And don't you dare invoke religion. Don't even think about it. I went to church for many, many years and the only thing I remember about it is that Jesus Christ taught his disciples to be tolerant of others. I think that's right, isn't it?

For the record, I support gay marriage. I support gay marriage because I am capable of empathizing with a person who may encounter the following scenario:
  • A man gets a phone call at work. His partner of 25 years has just been admitted to the hospital. He frantically rushes to the emergency room, only to be denied any of the visiting privileges a normal spouse would receive. His partner dies. He is not entitled to anything. The city, state and country he resides in refuse to acknowledge his relationship to the deceased.

Aren't we a little bit more enlightened than this? Does this fall in line with Christ's teachings of love, tolerance and forgiveness?

Do you really care whether or not a gay couple gets married? And if you do, do you think you could try and get a life in the not-to-distant future? Thanks.