Saturday, November 29, 2008

Why capitalism will ultimately fail

I want you to close your eyes. Now, take a minute and consider this: does an enlightened society really want money to be the axis around which all else spins?

Some would argue it should probably be God, but western ideals have put such a high price on money (pardon the pun) that the two are inseparable. As George Carlin once said, "God is all-knowing and all-powerful but He needs your money! He's really bad with money!"

I think the following is a prime example of what happens when society places more importance on material wealth than spiritual wealth.

Sought: Wal-Mart shoppers who trampled NY worker
By COLLEEN LONG, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK – Police were reviewing video from surveillance cameras in an attempt to identify who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker after a crowd of post-Thanksgiving shoppers burst through the doors at a suburban store and knocked him down.

Criminal charges were possible, but identifying individual shoppers in Friday's video may prove difficult, said Detective Lt. Michael Fleming, a Nassau County police spokesman.

Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers stepped over him and became irate when officials said the store was closing because of the death, police and witnesses said.

At least four other people, including a woman who was eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries. The store in Valley Stream on Long Island closed for several hours before reopening.

Police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the Wal-Mart doors before its 5 a.m. opening at a mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the employee, identified by police as Jdimytai Damour, to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.

"This crowd was out of control," Fleming said. He described the scene as "utter chaos," and said the store didn't have enough security.

Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help Damour were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Shoppers stepped over the man on the ground and streamed into the store.

So, this is what it has come to. I just have to wonder whether or not people even realize the reason we celebrate Christmas anymore. Big hint: it's in the first six letters of the word.

You know, you really have to question the mental acuity of a God who created people this unbelievably stupid. Fuck it, I'm gonna say what we're all thinking ... God seems like He might be a little dumber than people give Him credit for.

Whew! Is it getting hot in here?

What's the answer, then? What should society hold most sacred? If not money, perhaps family? Perhaps peace and love? Maybe tolerance for people who are too stupid to hit the mute button during commercials?

Come on, you know who I mean. The people who are watching TV and exclaim when the caveman appears," Oh! I love this one! Too funny!"

Ugh.

You know things have gotten weird when you have a non-Christian saying, "Let's put the Christ back in Christmas." I mean it, pull that fucker off the cross and stick him back in the manger where He belongs. Like Elvis, I prefer the young and skinny one over the old, fat and crucified one.

Bottom line (the bottom line writing device is a trademark of Alexander Ameen and cannot be used without express written consent from Alexander Ameen or his team of Jewish lawyers who will inexcusably erect a Christmas tree in their office to make their Christian clients feel more at home) : if you're camping in front of a Wal-mart overnight so you can be the first to buy a $400 flat-screen TV, you are a GIGANTIC FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!! You are the reason I hate leaving the house. I have to encounter you somewhere out there in the real world and try not to turn your face into jelly.

I would admonish you to get a life but, seriously, we're way past that, aren't we? Do me a favor though, would ya? Next year, instead of going to Wal-mart to spend your "hard earned" money, just go to church. First Presbyterian could really use a new nativity scene.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

How to argue with a conservative and win

Being in the Navy, I'm completely surrounded by folks who grip tightly to their right-wing beliefs. And that's fine. I actually subscribe to a few "Republican" policies myself, so I think everyone should be free to believe what they want to believe.

But for the love of an upside-down crucified Peter, these fuckers love to argue. They listen to Rush and Bill and gather all of their lil' talking points and just wait for someone to disagree with them. They are like tigers stalking the plains of the Serengeti: ruthless, calculating, and very fuzzy.

Be not afraid, my dear friends. These people can be defeated. Just follow my patented formula for success and watch them squirm with discomfort.

Rule #1.
Almost all conservatives you will encounter in the real world are Christian. Use this knowledge to your advantage.

I'm not saying that Christians are wrong about what they believe, just that you should point out to them the things that are wrong with what they believe.

Example: Joe the plumber thinks a vote for Obama may be a vote in favor of the death of Israel. But Joe the plumber is a Christian! Do you know what Christians believe will happen to Jews when Christ returns to Earth? You should find out and then ask your fellow conservative why he hates Jews so much. Remind him that Jesus was a Jew. Then ask him why he hates Christ. That will keep him away. Great job!

Rule #2.
Conservatives will almost always be less educated than you. But occasionally, you will come across an extremely well-educated conservative (that's what she said). When this happens, proceed with caution. This person will have already thought of your counter-arguments to their talking points and will attempt to bait you into a protracted discussion about the differences between abortion and the death penalty.

Do not give them what they want! They will refuse to lose to you, you elitist prick!

Let them talk until they're blue in the face. Do not feed the baby bird. Wait for them to turn the debate back to you (they eventually will), then lay this unfettered gem upon their angry lil' head:
"I didn't realize you subscribed to the teachings of Leo Strauss and post-World War II neoconservativism. I've think his 'perpetual deception' argument is outdated and actually being misinterpreted by the current administration, at least in regard to preventing exposure to the absence of absolute truth. National destiny or not, the Republicans have certainly taken a page from the Machiavellian textbook on foreign policy; namely, the creation of an artificial external threat.

"What do you think?"

If they actually attempt to answer this question, just smile and pat them on the back. Tell them Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz would be proud and give them a big ol' condescending wink, Sarah Palin style.

BTW, the only thing you need to know about Leo Strauss is that he was a raging asshole.

Rule #3.
Just let them win. After all, they should be allowed to win something this year. Snap!


Leo Strauss as a young man. He believed that government should use religion for the stability of society, even though the "wise man" had transcended such "noble lies." What an asshole!